past weeks

Past few weeks have been crazy annoying stupid uncalled for fun blah blah.

I hate it when people are unsure and they keep people waiting until they find out what they really want. I don’t think thats right considering the fact that the other person is sitting, waiting, wishing and spending countless hours being sad, mad, annoyed, confused. I mean this happened to me.

My partner whom i love, decided he wants to break up. We do for two weeks. His reasoning “My penis has its own brain” Now what does that tell me? That’s all he kept saying. To me that means I don’t want to be with you because you are holding me away from fucking around and partying with other bitches.

What else could it mean? That your penis doesn’t function? I don’t think so. I mean I don’t are ALL BOYS always confused is that a constant thing? because if someone really knows let ME know. I really would like to know this man secret.

Are men EVER satisfied? Really are they? Are they just selfish pricks who only want you around so you can comfort them, make them feel better.

I really love the concept of baby boy. I mean it makes sense. The girl is like the momma.

“But i love YOU girl.” If a man loves his “mama” then why does have to go around and fuck other bitches. To me it would be like disrespecting their own mama. Why do men have to “get out” and come back and realize that in reality all they wanted and needed was right on front of them?! That’s how relationships vanish.

I mean my opinion is biased because I am a female but I talk from experience.

Is there something wrong with me? Is there something I myself do to make them want to leave me?

Maybe, maybe not.

Past relationships I believe I have only broken up with ONE of my boyfriends. All of them have either wanted to go back to their ex, wanted more pussy, or were just plain fucking confused all the time. In the end though after the relationships have been put under for a while, these men wanted to come back. They want their “mama” they want to feel loved and cared for. Maybe I’m just an easy target who men feel they can do whatever they want to because I’m such a GOOD girlfriend. But maybe not I am Peruvian with an attitude, and I don’t stand for that shit. I guess I make people think too much sometimes and I myself do it.

I tell it like it is and if I’m feeling something I’ll tell it as well. Why is it so hard for men to sit and talk about a relationship? Is it just all the men I have had relationships with? I don’t know.

One thing is having an argument and talking about the issues, another is having an argument and trying to shush it in order for peace to be maintained. I believe that is holding back what you really want to say or feel. Another argument and BOOM! all those feelings left unsaid come out of nowhere, car crash! And since all this adrenaline is already flowing through the body it makes it easier for the person holding their feelings to say or do something they really DIDN’T want to do. I don’t want to quiz, fix people I just want words unspoken I want to hear what YOU have to say and quite frankly why wouldn’t ANYONE want that. I want to be heard, I want my opinion to be voiced, I want YOU to hear what I am feeling. I want to hear what YOU’RE feeling. I am not a JUDGE. I am not here to judge.

Back to Chris. So all this bullshit. 2 weeks being single and like the fool in love I would fall into his arms and get shown the love an affection I have had when we were together, but he would say “I am not trying to lead you on, I just missed you.” What the fuckkkk! Basically saying I just want you to show me that I am loved and cared for but I still want to be single because I haven’t realized how good you are to me and really I am such a fool for doing this. I understand men mature later but come on. If you do not think you are playing games when you are doing this, you are extremely mistaken. That doesn’t work. You want the comfort and love of the girl that is there for you and cares and loves you, but you want to be single cause it’s the summer and all I’m holding you back from  sticking your penis in another female, kissing or rubbing another female. That’s basically IT. The only rule about being in a relationship is you cannot fuck around with other people. That’s it. and that’s what I kept and will keep telling Chris. I mean of course this all in the course of two weeks.

Another thing that really throws me off is this girl, a girl that did some “stuff” with chris back in the day. I mean I have met this girl she seems like a cool chick, but Chris and her slipped, I mean no cheating but it was a small slip. Then when Chris and I broke up he really didn’t hesitate to text her and tell her “Ruthie and I broke up ” Umm what is that? Did he tell her so she can feel sorry for him? Did he tell her that so he can feel like he can get some game? To make things better he asks “do you ever think about how we messed around” I DONT KNOW. I mean it has only been twice, but it seems like he goes to this girl because she gives him attention? He wants to feel like a pimp? I really don’t know. I do confront him about this and he says NEVER, that was just then(we were broken). That isn’t really my point the things is, is he always going to run to this girl for some kind of attention. He says no I LOVE YOU I would NEVER cheat on you ladada. I believe him. Yes I do. but I am not a stupid girl. and I don’t believe in mercy when it comes to cheating. You fuck me over, I’ll fuck YOU up.

We did get back together but in a way that makes it seem like I only did get back with you because we had sex at the moment. Then again he hasn’t broken up with me? So that must mean something. I was talking to Chris yesterday, questioning him, putting him under pressure, asking the same questions over and over telling him if he was 100 percent sure and committed to me, that if he wants to really be with me etc. I really do HATE his reasons for everything I mean its understandable to an EXTENT. Why did you do this and that chris? “Because that’s how i felt at the moment:because when i see you i feel different” This is probably the most confused kid I have ever met. I mean yes I love Chris. But he lacks self control, he lacks speaking up, he lacks telling people how he really feels, and this is really bad because when he has his down episodes, it gets bad, really bad. There’s a side of Chris that people really do not know. Only I know and maybe his parents sister etc. When Chris gets depressed, he gets DEPRESSED. I mean he’s not the type to keep this going on but its brutal, and scares me. I mean all I have said makes him look like a dog, (but then again all men are dogs at one point)but no one really knows Chris how I KNOW him, and he’s someone I want sticking around for the rest of my life, whether it be together or just as friends.

Regardless of all of this I love the person he is.

Anyhoo, Chris and I were “single” when we went to EDC together with all my amigas but we spent all night together. Wooo! I want to go back. Those blue Buddhas were nicccee. The lights, the music, the beat. I mean for people who have never experienced a rave under the influence they are really missing out. I mean I am not a E head, but I have done E. Any person that has done E for the first time at a rave can proudly tell you that they had “the best fucking time of their life” . I understand people are opposed to drugs or can see me as an ignorant person by saying that you CAN’T die from doing E but you only have one life, the leaving hell out of that life because it’s only ONE. We were created to reproduce and die. Why not add some really fun and memorable experiences in between and if you do live to be 100, the hundreds of stories you’ll have available for your grandchildren. Really what more can you ask for, then a life that you feel you’ve lived to fullest.

I want to see katchafire again.

Happy 4th of July.

Went to Bj’s last night, it was gooood!!! The pazookie? or something was yummy.

Aimee, Justin, Jomarc, Danah, Chris and I played pictionary last night. It was soo much fun. The guys really sucked. and their drawings did too, especially Chris’. Aimee and Justin brought some alcoholic beverage from Cancun it was thick but it was good. Another thing about Chris’ that I love are his friends, my friends. They’re all really good people and hilarious. And they all have  very unique personalities. Those are one of the reasons I am really glad I am Chris’ gf. The group of friends he has are like no other, considering they have been friends since grade school and still are friends till now. It makes me want to cry like a little bitch. AAHH I wish I could just sit her and “write” for hours but I am sleepy and off and have a long day ahead of me.

I kinda wish more people read my blog, but I think some people would get in trouble.